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Quote Rodeo-Core Replybullet Topic: A youth overdosing on animosity and loath
    Posted: August/26/2008 at 12:07pm

I feel the biggest common misconception surrounding depression is that it is a persons inability to help themselves that is their problem, simply put people don't seem to realise you cant always control how or why you feel the way you do, people who have no experience of depression or self harm seem to think its something you can turn off and on, or something you could chose not to do if you really wanted, this is not always the case.


I cut myself for years, people dismiss self harm all to often as attention seeking, I rarely cut my arms, mainly my legs sometimes my chest on very occasionally my genitals, this was at my lowest point.


I hate to hear people dismiss any form of self harm as attention seeking, it makes it sound so simple when really there could be all manner of underlying causes and effects.


my self harm went unnoticed by almost everyone who was close to me for several years, this was one of the bigger reasons why I stopped, because when it was discovered certain people felt so bad they had not noticed that they felt guilty themselves when really the problem was not their fault. nor did they worsen or in fact better my mind set.


Self harm can be as silent and un-attention seeking as the person so chooses. I didn't shout it about and to all around I seemed a normal content human being, this is due to a persona I developed to counter what I was feeling inside, I created a shell, a representative of myself, an out going loud and in many ways confident person, this only added to my misery as deep down I knew that wasn't at all who I was.


It was for this reason people didn't notice I was harming or in fact hurting inside. Its one of the biggest reasons I worry about other people, they could be in exactly the same situation and I would not even know,


I have a 7 year old sister who is growing up fast, she isn't the slimmest of children and already I am seeing the cruelty of children effect her emotionally, I try my best to show her that this is just life and the kids will always pick on each other, I even put on weight myself to keep her included and laugh off anything that might be said by being a happy and comfortable tubby.


I want to try my hardest to teach my sister and one day my children not to be afraid of who they are or to hide anything from eating disorders to cutting, hopefully through this I will get a bit more understanding of other peoples outlook on past troubles and experiences and once I'm further educated in this will be more easily able to help.


Why our brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, and friends cutting themselves to shreds.


They are not alone and I worry they don't know that, I would never have been comfortable talking to someone about it and that's wrong, we should be able to talk to people and encouraged to do so,


Even today I hear my friends say derogatory or negative things about people who they see as depressed or harming themselves.


Why is it a taboo subject, why should we keep our demons to ourselves?


I know this is a heavy and sensitive subject and I'm sorry I wrote so much and its probably spelt and grammatically terrible but its something that really bothers me and I feel the best place to get some more insight and closure on is here, its an open and understanding community we modders have, I want to get to the bottom of this so I can help my friends and relations.


Any personal experiences or opinions from people would be greatly appreciated. I put a picture of my scars up on here because if I want self harming to be a more open and acceptable issue then I'm more than happy to be the first to be counted as someone who's done it,


I am as free as I will ever be form it now and I thank my family and close friends for that but there is always still the burning in my mind and I always know its in the back of my mind and its just a razor blade away.


Thanks for reading this, if you got through all of it I'm really impressed.


Hope this generates a good response I really worry about this




Ryan Stuart Campbell  


Edited by Rodeo-Core - August/26/2008 at 12:10pm

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Quote stellaturcia Replybullet Posted: August/26/2008 at 1:18pm
I self injured for about 10 years, starting when I was 12 and only stopping about 2 years ago, when I was 22.
I mostly did it for attention. But there were underlying issues I was trying to deal with and didn't know how.
Though I haven't done it for 2 years, I still feel the urge. It's always there, especially when there is emotional trauma.
I don't have any pictures of my scars, as they have mostly faded, or are the same shade as my unscarred skin.
I like the way my skin feels when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket.
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Quote Ashleigh Replybullet Posted: August/26/2008 at 1:44pm
I have no idea of how to personally relate to you...I've never cut myself for attention/comfort...I tend to just get antisocial everyonce in a while.  However I know how serious this is. 
My senior year in high school there was this guy that cut himself & students just passed it off as emo.  One month before graduation he commited suicide.  Though I wasn't friends with him I did have a class with him the year before and he was a really nice guy.  I just can't help but think that if someone close to him had told his parents or someone, that he wouldn't have hung himself.
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Quote JenniferR2279 Replybullet Posted: August/26/2008 at 3:25pm

I view self harming as a serious issue. While I do believe that some kids do it seeking attention,  it far transcends just that. In my experience, I've found that the ones that do it for attention or because it's "emo" tend to make it very noticable and are prone to flaunting it...the ones that are in true pain and seeking release are heavily marked and hide it way too well.

When I say that self harm transcends cutting, I mean that it also includes binge eating and drinking on the sly, anorexia/bulemia, engaging in risky behaviors sexually, legally, ect.  
I've never been a cutter personally, but when I look back on my life, I can acknowledge that I've given in to self-harming tendancies out of depression in the hopes of either finding emotional release or trying to pull myself out of the void of feelings deadened by depression...trying to find something that made me *feel* again.
I have an issue with posting self mutilation pictures on a website such as this as a modification. I'm not saying that this is what you've done since I haven't looked to see if you posted this pic anywhere else than the forums...I'm simply making a general statement. 
There are several reasons for saying that I don't think it has a place in the mods...The first being that many who don't understand body modification tend to lump it in with self-mutilation rather than seeing it as an artform. Websites like this are in part meant to showcase modification as an expression of personality, lifestyle, creativity, and/or spirituality for the practitioners and collectors alike. When concerning self-mutilation, while it can be argued that it is a life-style, if we want to be totally honest, the behavior in its truest form is triggered by underlying psychological issues/disorders.
Awareness needs to be spread, no doubt about it. It's not behavior that should simply be dismissed or swept under the rug, the underlying issues need to be treated. In this day and age, providers have tools, be it therapy, psychotrophic medication, or a combination of both to treat patients. There may not be a magical cure for depression or other disorders that lead to self harm, you can't just decide to snap out of it and be happy, but like diabetes, depression can be managed.  
On the flip side, certain social scenes *do* have a tendancy to glorify self harm. Those who are cutters simply to comply with the ideal that it's necessary to be emo tend to cause people to roll their eyes and assume that anyone who cuts is only doing it for attention or to fit in.
Some kid that sees valid images of self harm in a mod gallery on a website like this and thinks that cutting = cool, turns around, scratches a word on their arm, photographs it, and posts it on their profile further damages awareness of the true issues.
If people would stop glorifying self mutilation (I saw an effin' bumper sticker on my way to class this morning that said, "I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself"), it would be taken more seriously and not just dismissed as a phase, attention seeking, the emo thing to do, ect, and people would start seeing it as a valid billboard to issues that need to be addressed with professional treatment.
Ryan, I applaud you for taking the steps to raise awareness. As someone who has struggled with major depression, I know what it takes to step forward and be a voice. For me, it was a very emotional decision that took a great deal of courage and soul searching. I'm not sure if you've relied solely on family and friends for support, or if you've taken the steps to get professional treatment, but I can't stress its importance enough if you haven't. I don't know you and your situation personally and I'm not a Dr, so I'm not trying to diagnose you or prescribe treatment. I know that *I* have gotten relief from a combination of therapy and medication. It's not a cure and I will still struggle with bouts of depression and have had instances where I've felt great and have asked to stop meds and found myself back to square one once they were out of my system, but I've also found that medication isn't a life sentence. After successful treatment over a two year period, I've been off meds (under the direction of my Dr.) for over a year without having relapsed back into a major bout of depression. That doesn't mean that I'll never get depressed again or I won't need to be on meds ever again, but I'm much more aware of my body and I don't see depression as something I need to deal with alone or as something that I'm stigmatized about.
I've known too many who have ended their lives because they've played into the stigma that depression is weakness and felt that they didn't deserve to live if they couldn't deal with it themselves. I can clearly (and painfully) remember sitting in a hot bathtub with a knife to my wrist ready to call it done. Thankfully, that was the breakthrough moment when I realized that I needed professional help, and I found the clarity to call my Dr and make an appointment. Having gone through it, seeking professional help, and educating myself has enabled me to be a better advocate for those who are where I was in my lowest, feeling helpless, weak, and under the assumption that it's something that is shameful or taboo and should be hidden.
Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry sh!t continues, shoot me now, please.- Tank Girl
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Quote LARSONY Replybullet Posted: August/26/2008 at 9:53pm

I just want to thank you for making this topic.

You are braver than I am.
--Torpedoman's Mate (SS)--

I may just be a part-time sniper, but I am a full time camouflauge expert.
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Quote Von_Vulgarity Replybullet Posted: August/26/2008 at 10:26pm
i used to self harm as well, from age 13 to 16. & theres relapses here and there. but they are few and far between. i didn't do it for attention at all, i was really just addicted to feeling pain that wasn't mental. my biggest fear was being sent off for it. :( but i finally got myself out of that situation...

Edited by Von_Vulgarity - August/26/2008 at 10:29pm
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Quote jim01 Replybullet Posted: August/26/2008 at 11:59pm
i never self harmed but i have suffered from depression almost 20 years. this is a hard thing to talk about because you don't realize it your self. i steal remember when i no longer wanted to live it was that bad but i steal didn't know what was wrong. every one can look at you on the outside but no one can see you on the inside.i will probably never be a 100% but with my medcation i'm better now but i still have my moments ever now and then. for a long time the pain from the tattooing seamed to just release some thing in me it's like i had reached my utopa the pain was just so good. i also admire you for reaching out to your younger sister. it's hard for them with all this pier pressure that you have to look a certain way you have to dress in certain clothes. i have rattied way to long so thank you for stepping up and bring this subject up.

Edited by jim01 - August/27/2008 at 1:36am
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Quote BloodLust26 Replybullet Posted: August/27/2008 at 12:04am
i would never dream of cutting my self its just not me.

i suffered from depression and anxiety with ADHD all at the same time for a long time but im over it now, it was hard getting over it.

JenniferR2279 your post was so long that i didn't have the attention span to read any of it lol

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Quote that1chick Replybullet Posted: August/27/2008 at 12:42am
I understand self-harm...
I've only been caught once, and I very very rarely let anyone see my scars, and it's even rarer for me to show a fresh cut.
Every single time I cut, I tell myself that it's the last time, but the urges are like an addiction.  I literally fantasize about cutting when I'm down, until I can't stand it anymore...
In my efforts to avoid cutting, I developed a few strange habits that I don't do consciously.  I pinch my stomache so hard that I leave huge purple bruises sometimes.
I'm glad someone was willing to bring up this topic...  I intend to get an orange ribbon tattoo at some point.
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Quote Laura0Face Replybullet Posted: August/27/2008 at 4:18am
Just that I liked what you wrote, itwas an intelligent read, Thank you for posting it.. I agree with you :D
Lisa - oh! true story. I saw a duck get raped by another duck today.

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