So I'm working on this short story (which keeps getting longer because I have no idea how to end it) and I've got a good bit going. I could cut it short and make it a short story and never get to the craziness, or I could keep going and write a novel length story. Either way, I feel like I need to put something out there. So... here this is. It's long, so if you actually read it all the way through, I will love you in ways you way not be comfortable with. And if you LIKE it, well... I have nothing funny to say about that one.
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Saturday morning. She set a small box on the table before me.
"What is it?" I asked instinctively.
It was wrapped in beautiful rose-pink reflective paper. I could see myself in the side that was facing me. I had a bit of egg left on my cheek which I brushed away. How the hell did I get egg so far away from my mouth? The tiny package was topped with the most delicate of ribbons tied into a bow, one loop noticeably larger than the other. Green and pink lace. She wrapped it herself, declining her mother's offer to help out. It was almost a shame to rip it apart.
"I can't tell you what it is, it's a surprise!" she said in her as-a-matter-of-fact tone. She looked on impatiently from the opposite side of the breakfast table. She was just tall enough to see over the tabletop. All I could see of her was a pair of little brown, almond-shaped eyes zooming from the little gift, to me, and then back again. Her jet black, stringy hair fell like weights straight down the sides of her head, like hair curtains framing her face. Most days, her hair was held in place by a pink and green polka-dotted hair bow (her favorite colors), but since today was Saturday, it was greasy and wild and all over the place. Madeline, my niece.
I untied the bow with a surgeon's precision, careful not to stretch or tear it, and set it aside. I grabbed a piece of loose wrapping paper and ripped it clean off the box. I crumpled it up and tossed it aside. I flipped up the flaps of the box and looked inside, and to my surprise, another pair of eyes stared right back at me. I reached down into the box and gently pulled her out. My eyes lit up like it was Christmas morning.
"It's a frog! A stuffed frog!" The frog was smiling up at me. A big grin. "It's so... cute!" I blurted out. Green fur, soft as goose down. A white, oval shaped belly. Eyes like black pearls shining in the morning sunlight. Tiny enough to fit in the palm of my hands. I set her down on the table.
"You can pretend she's your baby!" Maddie ran around the table to get closer to me, her bare feet plopping against the wooden grain floor with every leap.
"Wow... I... thank you." I was at a loss for words. Speechless. Lost in heartfelt gratitude. I felt like there should be something deeper to say. Something more sincere than a simple thanks, but I hoped that my expression said it all.
"She needs a name, Uncle Mike!"
"A name...? You know, parents have 9 months to name their children. You want me to name her in 15 seconds?"
She just looked on as if I hasn't said anything. Big brown eyes, always expecting.
"Ok then. How about... Lily?" I suggested.
"Like lily pad?"
"Yeah! Do you like it?"
Maddie nodded in furious agreement. "Ask Lily if she likes her name!"
I looked back down at Lily who was still looking up at me. "Well then little gift, do you like that name?" I positioned my hands around her head and gently bobbed her head in a wholehearted nod. "I guess that's a yes! Thank you Maddie..." She wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed as hard as her little arms could. She must have been eating her broccoli because she had the strength of ten men in a seven year old's body.
"You're welcome," she replied.
"You know what would make this better?"
"What?"
I picked up the ribbon I had set aside earlier, the delicate ribbon of pink and green lace, and tied it into a bow around the frog's neck, making sure to leave one loop larger than the other.
"There. Perfect."
Maddie wore a smile from ear to ear.
"So, what's the occasion?" I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders. "Mommy just said you could use more toys."
"Is that right...?"
She just shrugged and ran off to her room. Late for an important business meeting, no doubt. I carried the frog down the hall to my room, and cleared a space for her on my cluttered work desk. What a slob. Binder paper with filled with scribbles, doodles, and half legible musings. Last Sunday's funny papers stained with coffee rings and orange-yellow pepperoni pizza grease. A left over, half-eaten pepperoni pizza slice, tough as cardboard and just as appetizing. I set her down there away from the mess, and went back out into the kitchen.
 
"I'm taking Maddie to the park today. You want to come with?" Kathleen. Kathleen was brushing the knots out of her hair. She had been growing it out since we were children, only trimming it when it began to sweep the floor behind her like a black mop head. She brushed for five minutes everyday religiously, her daily routine incomplete without those precious five minutes to straighten out her unruly mop.
"No... I think I'm going to stay in today."
"Oh, come on! You haven't left the house in weeks!"
"And if you keep harassing me like this, weeks will become months! Months will become years! I’ll end up a smelly hermit with a beard as long as your hair."
"It's not harassment! It's called love, okay? It's called caring. I'm just concerned about you."
"Yeah well, you aren't mom, so that's not your job. Besides, I'm a grown man. I don't need your concern."
Kathleen let out a sigh and shot me the "disappointed mother eyes" that she learned from mom when she had Maddie.
"The disappointed eyes don't work unless you feel guilty."
"Anyway, I hope you like your present. Maddie picked it out especially for you. And she wrapped it herself."
"I noticed, she wraps better than you do."
"Ha ha. Funny."
"So...what's the occasion?"
No reason, I just thought you could use more toys."
"You know, that's exactly what Maddie said. She's also a better liar than you are."
"Like I said," she said in her as-a-matter-of-fact, smirk plastered on her face, "no reason."

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If short story, I'd cut it after the narrator ties the ribbon around. Still needs professional editing, but I think it's okay for now. I feel like I should describe the mother more... but i don't think its all that important to the story. What do you think?

Also, " " has turned into “. wtf?

Edited by ichfielunten - December/13/2008 at 3:40pm

i liked it, yeah probably you should describe the mother a little more, but definitely keep on writting!!!! you can't leave me in the middle of what seems to be really nice complete story!! :D

I'm still working on it. next part isn't quite ready yet. writing is really difficult! Thanks for the compliments guys, feel free to leave constructive criticism. You can't all like it...

pretty good! but the way i read it, kathleen says "im a grown man" or did i misread?

Originally posted by goatrider pretty good! but the way i read it, kathleen says "im a grown man" or did i misread?

Yes, haha, you very much misread. That would be silly wouldn't it, a woman telling her brother she's a grown man.

Chapters 2 is done and 3 is in the works, but still needs editing. Don't think I should put it out yet...


Edited by ichfielunten - December/28/2008 at 4:59am